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Colonel Mustard In Water Fountain Scam Mustard is hot stuff. Oh yes indeed - and our own Colonel_Mustard is no exception. Here he is, in classical Grecian pose outside the shopping mall. Alas, his cunning disguise as a water fountain hasn't fooled anyone!! Just look at his fine manly spout. (If you have difficulty spotting it, send $100 BL dollars to the Whacker editor for some special high magnification spectacles). 
Blooner Girlies in Group Hug Here they are, in all their glorious wobbling splendour - the Blooner girlies bonding in a group hug. This pic was taken by our roving reporter hiding up a tree with camera and tape recorder. Thus we found that the BL gals attended the highly reputable training course 'How To Get the Most From Your Washing Machine'. Here they are, relaxing after enduring the rigors of sitting on their washing machines during a fast spin. Course participants iggy and Carnations72 were raving about the whole experience. "Its made me cross eyed, but I don't care. It was worth it," announced iggy, with a satisfied smirk. Carnations72 said, "My machine was so fierce it shook my teeth out! But never mind - Pagan has lent me her spare pair. I recommend this course to anyone. I am now much better acquainted with my washing machine and I feel quite pleasantly drained."
Apachespirit 'Quite Overcome' Apachespirit, budding entrepreneur and organiser of the 'How to Get The Most From Your Washing Machine' course, is shown below reclining on the privacy of his own sofa after the course. He went into raptures about the fast spin, saying, "I have never seen so many wobbling bottoms in one go. It was bliss. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Unfortunately, its had a funny effect on me. I'm afraid my wits are addled." Nothing new there then!
Angelmischief & OTK4me56f Get Free Burgers & Fries For Life Since winning a competition three weeks ago, two lucky Blooner ladies angelmischief and otk4me56f have been making the most of their free burgers and French fries. They get sixteen helpings daily and are busy piling on the pounds so that they can be all chunky and get jobs as bouncers at the BL Casino. "These fries are so yummy," said otk. "I have only one complaint - no ketchup is provided." Never mind. We think the pair have enough sauce of their own.
Wishy's Wish Comes True - Thanks to Bertha's Big Butt Cream "Oh how I used to wish for a big butt," said Wishy. "And now, my dearest wish has come true! Just look at the size of my ass - isn't it spectacular." It certainly is, Wishy and we think there will be many envious glances cast in your direction. This masterpiece was created after only 3 weeks of using Bertha's Big Butt Cream. "Good old Bertha," said Wishy. "I really can't thank her enough. Thanks to her splendid big butt cream, I now have an ass to die for."
A Donkey's Tale One disgruntled donkey who lives at Bloonerton on Sea, tells us all about his day of terror. "It was most dreadful," explained donkey. 'There I was, minding my own business, having a little nibble at some nice fresh grass, when these rowdy people from the Bottoms End trailer park came and pulled my ears and poked me with sticks, and then kidnapped me, and shoved me in the back of a dirty smelly van. Mind you, it was even smellier when I got out as I did a big pile of poop in there.' Poor, poor donkey. What happened next? 'They took it in turns to ride me. It was exhausting I can tell you. I expected a bucket of oats and a few carrots afterwards, but all I got was a mouldy apple. Then they hid me in the public toilet so that the Blooner police wouldn't find me. But I kicked the door down and I escaped to tell the tale." Thanks to donkey, Mia, Kimbers, Hotspur, and Tenn were rounded up by police and stuffed in a police cell in the BL Jail until further notice.
Tamiko & Ruegirl in Pickled Onion Prank Don't they look guilty. Here are tamiko and ruegirl caught in the act. The norty pair muched their way through a giant jar of extra sour pickled onions (see how their eyes bulge) and then they went down to the Tawse and Slipper and breathed pickled onion breath on everyone in sight. But they got their comeuppance, and as far as we know, they are still in the toilet suffering from belly ache and a rare diarrhoea-like condition called 'Pickled Onion Bottom.'
Forthcoming Addition for Doncarl & CountryGirl Here they are, doing the happy dance because countrygirl has got a bun in the oven. Proud father to be, Doncarl said, "I do hope it has my nose!" Congratulations, both.
Tomme Shows Off His New Boots "Look at me, Blooners! Look at my new boots. Aren't they splendid?" We watched as tomme preened and strutted in front of the camera. Unfortunately he got a bit carried away on his high heels and did the splits by mistake. He is currently in hospital having his legs straightened. Donations of grapes, beer and donuts are most welcome.
The Ever Hopeful JCSpanks 'Ya can't blame a chap for trying,' said JCSpanks as he postured about in his genie of the lamp outfit. 'A chap needs his lamp rubbing at regular intervals. Unfortunately, mine's gone a bit rusty! Please help! You know I'm worth it!'
Doncarl - BL's Very Own Weather Forecaster Just look at that winning smile. Doesn't he exude charisma and charm. Since his recent appointment as BL weather forecaster, Doncarl has got quite a following from the BL ladies who are by all accounts totally enamoured by his super sexiness. There have been reports of mass droolings whenever Doncarl appears on the news to deliver the weather forecast. According to Doncarl, this weeks weather forecast will be: "Cool in the east and a little warmer in the wintry west, with a northerly wind and southerly showers flitting in from the south, followed by a series of typically cool nights and warmer daytimes with a spot of sun here and there, and a drop of rain to boot. So take your umbrellas, and even if it doesn't rain, you can poke people with them. Its great fun."
Agony Bunny's Advice Column Dear Agony Bunny, We love the retro look. We simply adore wearing 50's style gear, with little frilly dresses and red sashes. We have dear little black patent shoes with a bow on, which we like to wear with our cutsie-pie white knee length socks. We have soft white woolly vests too, and matching knickers. We get our hair done nicely, and tie it back in a pony tail We get such pleasure as we skip down the road, hand in hand, singing a little song. Our only problem is that some people give us funny looks because we are blokes. What should we do, bunny? Please help. Peter and Hardwood Dear Peterand Hardwood I have seen you about my dears, and I think you look perfectly adorable. Indulge yourselves dears. My only other advice is that you should wear interlocked knickers with a good solid double gusset. That way, your bits and pieces won't get squished when you skip. Yours truthfully, Agony Bunny.
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Competition! Guess the Caption Whoever can come up with the best caption for this picture will get $100 BL dollars! Post your answers on the thread, dear Blooners. The lucky winner will be announced in the next issue. This Week's caption pic:
Many thanks to ascuseme for judging the last Weekly Whacker caption contest. And the winners are: 1st: annieadenoid - "These underwires are killing me!" 2nd : flopsybunny: - "AscuseMe apologises for poking someone in the eye with her armour-plated boobie" 3rd : spankmeplease81 - "Brrrrrr... Is it cold in here?" Congratulations all!
Danger - Psycho at Large!
New Blooners  They continue to pile in from the outside world. A warm Blooney welcome goes to: carmenleung5, devng, Wishy, canemepleeze, cbexpe, PrettyOtkGirl, and Jacktar.
Welcome to the mad house, folks. You are now officially anointed as BLOONERS :DZeletta Gets Sumo Man "He is soooooooo yummy!" enthused an excited Zeletta. "I saw him buying some frozen peas and we got talking about, er ... frozen peas. Anyway, I think he's absolutely smashing and he's going to teach me how to wrestle. I'm just off to BL Boulevard to see if I can buy a sexy sumo wrestling suit. Here's his picture - isn't he gorgeous?"
BlisteringBlond, Gypsygirl &Tenn - AKA The Twittering Trollops Taking their inspiration from the world famous1950's warbling trio, The Shaggy Lays, BlisteringBlonde, gypsygirl and Tenn have formed a new song and dance group called The Twittering Trollops. They have been very busy indeed lately exercising their mouths and wiggling their tonsils (Tenn doesn't have any so he wiggles his other bits instead). The three would-be entertainers have been hard at it, practicing their harmonies in preparation for their forthcoming tour of BL-Ville pubs and hotels. Watch this space Blooners, as The Whacker will bring you the latest gossip as the Trollops climb their way up the album charts. Oh yes - their new album is called 'The Crazy Fruit Pancakes.'
Readers' Top Tips This weeks tip comes from Februs who is pictured below wearing a very fetching hat with built in moustache. Febs top tip will help people to cut down on their exorbitant heating bills. How is this possible we asked? "Flopsy unpicks my old socks (and some of my new ones too, the thieving mare) and gets the old folks in the retirement home to exercise their fingers by knitting up these wonderfully warm and trendy hats. I wear mine all the time. Why, I even go to the toilet in it. (Ah - so that's what the funny smell is.) Anyone wanting one of these super winter hats can take advantage of this week's special offer. For only $200 BL dollars you can get a handy pack of three. All machine washable and guaranteed only 50% shrinkage. NEWSFLASH - Sarah_Thorn has just placed an order for her handy pack.
Kelsey the Clucker What's this then - a chick looking for a cock? A turkey wanting stuffing? No, no, we'll have none of that smutty talk. This, ladies and gentleman, is Kelsey who is currently on the run and wanted by BL Police for egg stealing. Rumour has it that Kelsey has disguised herself as a turkey and is living wild in the thick grass behind Blooner Buildings. A reward of $100 BL dollars will be given to the person who captures this turkey alive and brings it in for questioning. Kelsey's friend ascuseme told our reporter, "It can't possibly be Kelsey as she doesn't even like eggs." However, forensics have revealed huge piles of discarded egg shells in Kelsey's apartment. "Hmmm," said ascuseme, "if you announce over a tannoy that she's going to get a jolly good thrashing for her nortiness, she'll probably turn herself in. I know I would." 
KJM Attacked by Giant Baked Potato "Youngsters today have no respect for their betters," opined KJM. For instance, look at me - a respectable pillar of spankering society. I walked down BL Boulevard last evening, as it is customary for me to take a short stroll before dinner. I was greeted with contempt by two young ladies who should know better. (spankmeplease81 and malaika) For instead of being polite and saying 'Good evening, Sir,' the pair hooted and honked and laughed at my personage. I find this an outrage. I find it most intolerable. I find this a ... oooooh oooompf mmmmmmmmumpf ...." Sadly, KJM was cut off in his prime as a giant baked potato was lobbed in his gob. It was wedged so firmly, he has been unable to say a word since this most regrettable incident.
Special Rates for Chrissie the Bird Scarer Do those naughty little birdies nibble your strawberries and runner beans? Do they peck away at your redcurrants before you even get a look in? If you are experiencing these traumatic problems, worry no more for help is at hand! Chrissie has set herself up in a nice little business. For only $10 BL dollars a day she will come and stand in your garden, wearing full make up (scarily colorful) and no knickers. She will then whirl her arms about like a propellor. "Its good fun. As well as scaring away the birds, I get a super workout for my arms, some nice fresh air on my rear end, AND some spending money." PS. As the Weekly Whacker rolled off the press, we heard that Chrissie is giving up her business as she is suffering from multiple midge bites on her bottom.
Sarah Thorn's New Look RG is in the doghouse again. This time he fouled up by shaving half of sarah_thornes head in his sleep. 'I was dreaming I was trimming the hedge. Anyway - its not that bad really. I only did half her head." Sarah Thorne was very cross indeed. Well, wouldn't you be, waking up to find half your hair gone? However, on reflection, she has got used to her new minimalist look, and is even thinking of shaving off the other half. "Just think of all the money I can save on shampoo, conditioner and visits to the hairdresser. I can go to the casino instead and gamble it all away. And if the weather is chilly, I shall wear one of those smashing hats featured in this weeks Reader's Top Tips."
Kilahara Gets the Booty Following his latest sailing and plundering adventure on the high seas, Captain Kilahara emerged victorious, clutching three spanked ladies with hats, otherwise known as saucysandy, adelina and cheshirewoman. On return to dry land, he sold them to the Harbour Master for $200 BL dollars and a bag of cheese and onion crisps. "We love being kidnapped, its great fun," shrieked the excited trio. They are busy making plans to sail away into the sunset on the next tide in the hope of being rescued by pirates. Have fun ladies, but don't go wearing woolly knickers or you'll sink.
Editors Grumble Now then Blooners, why aren't you lot using the interactive Weekly Whacker? Interactive means you can join in, see. There's lots of scope for doing dodgy stuff - for example, you can post spoof personals and other ads. We have some dubiously funny stuff in there already, and thus far the chief culprit (me) is getting away with murder! So get posting! Go here http://www.bottomlines.co.uk/whacker/
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